Social Anxiety, youz doing it rite
Seems like there’s so much I wanna do, but don’t want to do it at the same time. I don’t know if you’d call it being lazy or not, but if there’s something I want to do or somewhere I wanna go I end up thinking of all the reasons not to do it. Most of the time it’s cause I’m wondering what people at said place are gonna think or say about me. So the final solution is to not go and then I won’t have to worry about it. Good plan right? Hell no, makes me miserable. When I do go out I tend to sit by myself and not say a word to anyone unless I know em cause then I won’t have the chance of making a fool of myself.
I’m fine when I’m going out to meet up with friends for the most part. It take a little bit of nudging to get me to go out, but once I do I’m good. Now if I’m going somewhere by myself, that’s when this all happens. If there’s a show I want to go to I stay home. Never been that good at making friends on my own and all the folks I’m friends with now are cause of other friends. Once I get a few drinks in me and someone strikes up a conversation I’m pretty good with being social, but more often than not I feel like the one guy at the bar that everyone points at cause he’s drunk and on his own.
Playing music used to bring me joy, but now I don’t even want to play cause I don’t have faith in my playing ability. Yeah I was in a band for some time, but when you play the same songs over and over you get pretty good at em. Trying to come up with new ones was rough to say the least. Now to have to start it all over just doesn’t seem like something I want to put myself through, but at the same time I want to. The only thing that’s bringing me joy these days is hockey and that’s fucking expensive to do all the time. If I were to play every chance I could that would be like $60 a week and I don’t have that kind of cash.
Maybe I just can’t wait to get away from it all for a little while. I wanna go on an extended vacation, or better yet move out of town and get a fresh start. I do think about that once or twice a year and my time to act on it is getting shorter and shorter. Ohhh well, here’s to better times.
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