Poster by ChonChon

I’ve got a very active mind that always get’s me in a bad place. I’ve had a lot of stuff running though my mind the last few months. I’ve always had a hard time coming to decisions on things that either mean a lot to me or that could have a major impact on my life. I always dwell on things far too long and it either makes me miss out on what I’m thinking about or it just sends me into a little depressed mood for a while. If I do miss out on what I’ve been thinking and not acting on I get depressed since I let myself miss out on this thing. Right now I’m going through one of those times cause of many things.

As I stated in the last post I have the new band that up until last night I wasn’t sure how it would all work out. We have 2 shows booked and we had not practiced as a full band yet. It started out rough but ended up pretty awesome and I’m fully confident in our abilities and can’t wait for the Casbah show. So this is no longer weighing on me as it was. Only a little as being in a band should be cause if it doesn’t make you a little nervous you shouldn’t really be in a band.

Next up is the fact I’ll be moving out on my own shortly. It’s not the getting my own place that’s bugging me cause I know I can take care of myself, in fact I look forward to having my own place. The problem is finding a place I can afford and having the money for the security deposit and such. On top of that I’m still not 100% sure I want to stay in San Diego. I don’t want to miss out on anything in Roma’s life, but the first year or so I could live in Seattle and move back if I’m not “feeling it” up there. There’s a chance I would have a pretty awesome place to live if I moved up there and I already have a few friends up there I could hang out with and show me around.

The last thing that has been and probably always will bug me, It’s two folds. I’m way too nice, cause that’s how my momma raised me, and will go out of my way to help friends in need. It seems lately that it’s been more of a one sided sort of thing as one would think that If you help someone out they would return the favor when you ask them for help. That’s not been happening and it’s really starting to piss me off. Or if you do help someone out they get mad at you for not giving more. Fuck you, you’re cut off and will not be getting any more help from me and don’t call to hang out. I’m done with you. The other part of this is with the ladies. I always have a crush, if you want to call it that, on gals that are just out of relationships or in a state of mind where they shouldn’t be in a relationship. I tend to fall hard for em and of course it’s not the best situation for me or her for that matter. I try and help them through what they’re going through and end up wanting to be with them cause they’re giving me attention that I don’t normally get, or that I don’t tend to notice I’m getting. All this does is crush my heart and make me not want to even try. Don’t get me wrong though, I love to help them out dealing with what they’re going though cause they are friends and I help friends out when they need my help. Lately the gals I’m interested in also have multiple guys trying to get their attention and I’ve given up the fight on those only to get pulled back in. I don’t want to sit around and wait for you to figure out what you want. At least not sit around and pass up other opportunities while you decide. There’s one that I would wait patiently for, but I’m pretty sure there’s a couple guys trying to swoon her and If not I’m just a jealous fool and she doesn’t need that right now. Then again, I never tell the ladies how I feel for fear of losing them as a friend so I guess this part of the blog doesn’t hold any merit as it’s all my fault. Go figure.

Anyway, the reason for this post… I was talking with my buddy The Ana the other day and she helped me get out of a little funk. Helped me realize that I need to stop basing my decisions on what I think will be best for others and to do what’s best for me. I tried that for a little while a couple years back and I had a great time. I don’t think I have ever been happier than that time in my life. So I’m gonna try it again and see where I end up. I may loose some friends in the process, but those are friends I didn’t really need anyways. The funny thing is I was listening to one of my favorite Pearl Jam songs, Present Tense from the No Code album, tonight and it inspired me to write this blog. The lyrics drove The Ana’s point home.

You can spend your time alone, re-digesting past regrets, oh
Or you can come to terms and realize
You’re the only one who can’t forgive yourself, oh
Makes much more sense, to live in the present tense

EXACTLY! Why sit around thinking of the past decisions you’ve made and be bummed out when everyone else has moved on and doesn’t even think about it? You should live in the now and deal with what you currently have.

ps. forgive me for the rant/ramble. It’s late and I’m super tired.